Let children choose who they hug

The many gatherings of family and friends during the holiday season give parents a special chance to teach their daughters an empowering lesson: you don’t owe anyone your physical affection. “The ritual of demanding affection from children on cue is one of those tiny, everyday little lessons in which we teach children—especially girls—that they are to tailor their emotional responses to please others,” observes blogger Kasey Edwards in a Daily Life op-ed. By letting children decide whether to greet someone with a hug or a kiss, parents can teach the basics of consent and bodily autonomy as early as the toddler years. And, such lessons can have an impact for years to come as Girl Scouts’ development psychologist Andrea Bastianai Archibald explains: ‘The notion of consent may seem very grown-up and like something that doesn’t pertain to children, but the lessons girls learn when they’re young about setting physical boundaries and expecting them to be respected last a lifetime.’

Letting children decide what greeting to offer is rooted in a simple idea, as Katia Hetter describes in a CNN op-ed: ‘[My daughter’s] body is actually hers, not mine. It doesn’t belong to her parents, uncles and aunts, school teachers or soccer coach. While she must treat people with respect, she doesn’t have to offer physical affection to please them. And the earlier she learns ownership of herself and responsibility for her body, the better for her.’ At the holidays, parents—and children—can feel even more pressure to be physically affectionate than during the rest of the year in an effort to please family members or to maintain public appearances. But as Edwards says, when we prioritise ‘social harmony’ over the wishes of our girls, we’re effectively telling them that ‘”It’s ok to say no”—except when it isn’t.’

Experts agree with Edwards and Hetter. Ursula Wagner, a mental health clinician in Chicago says that ‘[forced physical affection] sends a message that there are certain situations [when] it’s not up to them what they do with their bodies.’ That message can have multiple repercussions as children grow: Irene Van der Zande, co-founder of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, says that by ‘forcing a child to submit to unwanted affection in order not to offend a relative or hurt a friend’s feelings, we teach them that their bodies do not really belong to them because they have to push aside their own feelings about what feels right to them… [this can lead] to children getting sexually abused, teen girls submitting to sexual behaviour so “he’ll like me” and children enduring bullying because everyone is “having fun.”‘

Teaching children about the importance of respecting body autonomy from a young age is also an important part of keeping them safe from sexual abuse. ‘Sadly, we know that some adults prey on children,’ Archibald observes, ‘and teaching your daughter about consent early on can help her understand her rights, know when lines are being crossed, and when to go to you for help.’ Of course, that doesn’t mean that people asking for hugs and kisses are abusers or acting predatory; however, Edwards asserts, ‘we still need to make clear to our children that if they ever feel uncomfortable, and feel that they’re being pressured to oblige, then they have the right to say no—even if it causes offense.’

Hetter also points out that allowing a child to refuse hugs does not mean allowing them to be rude: ‘She has to be polite when greeting people, whether she knows them or not. When family and friends greet us, I give her the option of ‘a hug or a high-five.’ Since she’s been watching adults greet each other with a handshake, she sometimes offers that option.’ Van der Zande agrees: ‘By age 6 or 7, even a shy child can shake somebody’s hand or wave or do something to communicate respect and care. Manners—treating people with respect and care—is different than demanding physical displays of affection.’

Finally, to avoid disappointed or critical responses from those denied a hug or kiss, Hetter says it helps to explain to family members ‘why we’re letting her decide who she touches.’ And, she’s observed an additional benefit to letting her daughter lead the way when it comes to physical contact: ‘When my child cuddled up to my mother on the sofa recently, happily talking to her about stories and socks and toes and other things, my mother’s face lit up. She knew it was real.’

Resources about consent and bodily autonomy

My Body! What I Say Goes!
By Jayneeed Sanders
Recommended Age: 3 – 7

A book to empower and teach children about personal body safety, feelings, safe and unsafe touch, private parts, secrets and surprises, consent, and respectful relationships. To purchase your copy, click here.


Body Safety Education
By Jayneeed Sanders

A step-by-step guide for parents and carers on how to protect children from sexual abuse through personal body safety education. This guide contains simple, practical and age-appropriate ideas, as well as important information on how abusers groom children and families. To purchase your copy, click here.



No means no!
By Jayneeed Sanders
Recommended Age: 3 – 9
The aim of this book is to empower young children and to give them a voice so they can grow up into empowered adults. No means no! is a springboard for discussions regarding children’s choices and their rights. To purchase your copy, click here.


This article was first published on A Mighty Girl. Click here to read the original. 

Early Childhood Australia

Early Childhood Australia (ECA) has been a voice for young children since 1938. We are the peak early childhood advocacy organisation, acting in the interests of young children, their families and those in the early childhood field. ECA advocates to ensure quality, social justice and equity in all issues relating to the education and care of children aged birth to eight years.

2 thoughts on “Let children choose who they hug”

    JC McKinley says:

    My father was gone a lot when I was very little. One day he asked me for a hug, but to me he was a stranger, so I refused. My mom guilted me into letting him hug me and I can still feel the prickling discomfort that came with his unwanted contact. I wrote a very short story about it and the aftermath if you’d like to read it: https://www.reflexfiction.com/dont-make-him-cry-flash-fiction-by-j-c-mckinley/

    Marrion says:

    I hope you teach/taught your children to respect not just their right to say No but to accept other people’s right to say No. It’s a 2 way street.

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